Reflection

Attending college has taught how to reflect on things I read, see, hear, and experience. It taught me how to look at myself with a truthful lens and admit that I have done wrong or right in my life and why. I have come to terms with how judgmental I can be about other people who make choices that I would not make. I have learned that sometimes, that disgust I feel has nothing to do with the person, but it is all about me and what I think about myself.

To continue to heal from the harmful effects of my failed 21-year marriage, I must be completely transparent about how I see myself and the choices made in my life. For a long time (most of my life) I did not feel worthy of having the life I always wanted. I believed I was not smart, pretty, able to make friends, or be creative. I hated who I was and continuously wished I looked different, thought differently, and was seen differently by other people. That took a severe toll on who I turned out to be as an adult. It caused me to have self-destructive behaviors like getting into relationships with men who I knew were abusive either mentally or physically. Sex was my escape from reality. It was the only time in my life I felt as if I had control. I decided who touched me and abused my body. However, the self-loathing after sex was not enough to stop me from doing it again the next day.

I gave my body to a few men that I loved and wished they could love me in return, but I was a resource for them either money, worldly things, or showering them with what my idea of love was. Now I understand it was never loved I felt for these men. I was trying to fill a void, and unfortunately for me, I was an easy target for this man, someone who was a manipulator and incapable of love. It took counseling for me to understand I have co-dependent tenancies and difficulty setting clear boundaries.

I decided to not go into detail about my marriage on my blog. I do not see the point in talking about my ex here. What matters is that over the past year, I have been going through a healing process. I am not the same person that I was a year ago. When I talk about not being judgmental, I need to think about the underlining reasons for someone’s actions. I need to ask myself what have they gone through in their lives that have led them down their chosen paths. How can I be a voice of support instead of condemnation? Can my life story help someone else who feels they have no hope? That is where I am at in my life right now. It feels good to make it to this place finally. Thank you, Jesus!

  4 comments for “Reflection

  1. Karen
    February 2, 2021 at 9:29 pm

    To admit that we have flaws & make mistakes isn’t easy at all. Let alone trying to address some of the things that brought us there in the first place.That can be really challenging. But it’s important to take those necessary steps to heal & give us the peace we need. As well as giving permission to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we make too (that’s something that has been & still is hard for me to do at times-but worth totally it in the end)
    It sounds like you’ve made great progress which is fantastic. Keep it up! & I wish you all the best in your healing journey!

  2. Karen
    February 2, 2021 at 9:33 pm

    To admit that we make mistakes/have flaws isn’t way at all.Let alone to address the reasons or beliefs behind our behaviours-that really tough. But they’re necessary steps we have to take to find healing & peace. And to give ourselves permission to forgive ourselves too(that’s something that has been & still is a challenge for me but worth it in the end)
    It sounds like you’re making great progress which is fantastic. Keep it up & I wish you all the best in your healing journey!!

  3. Karen
    February 2, 2021 at 9:34 pm

    To admit that we make mistakes/have flaws isn’t way at all.Let alone to address the reasons or beliefs behind our behaviours-that really tough. But they’re necessary steps we have to take to find healing & peace. And to give ourselves permission to forgive ourselves too(that’s something that has been & still is a challenge for me but worth it in the end)
    It sounds like you’re making grat progress which is fantastic. Keep it up & I wish you all the best in your healing journey!!

  4. February 2, 2021 at 9:35 pm

    To admit that we make mistakes/have flaws isn’t way at all.Let alone to address the reasons or beliefs behind our behaviours-that really tough. But they’re necessary steps we have to take to find healing & peace. And to give ourselves permission to forgive ourselves too(that’s something that has been & still is a challenge for me but worth it in the end)
    It sounds like you’re making grat progress which is fantastic. Keep it up & I wish you all the best in your healing journey!!

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