Attending college has taught how to reflect on things I read, see, hear, and experience. It taught me how to look at myself with a truthful lens and admit that I have done wrong or right in my life and why. I have come to terms with how judgmental I can be about other people who make choices that I would not make. I have learned that sometimes, that disgust I feel has nothing to do with the person, but it is all about me and what I think about myself.
To continue to heal from the harmful effects of my failed 21-year marriage, I must be completely transparent about how I see myself and the choices made in my life. For a long time (most of my life) I did not feel worthy of having the life I always wanted. I believed I was not smart, pretty, able to make friends, or be creative. I hated who I was and continuously wished I looked different, thought differently, and was seen differently by other people. That took a severe toll on who I turned out to be as an adult. It caused me to have self-destructive behaviors like getting into relationships with men who I knew were abusive either mentally or physically. Sex was my escape from reality. It was the only time in my life I felt as if I had control. I decided who touched me and abused my body. However, the self-loathing after sex was not enough to stop me from doing it again the next day.
I gave my body to a few men that I loved and wished they could love me in return, but I was a resource for them either money, worldly things, or showering them with what my idea of love was. Now I understand it was never loved I felt for these men. I was trying to fill a void, and unfortunately for me, I was an easy target for this man, someone who was a manipulator and incapable of love. It took counseling for me to understand I have co-dependent tenancies and difficulty setting clear boundaries.
I decided to not go into detail about my marriage on my blog. I do not see the point in talking about my ex here. What matters is that over the past year, I have been going through a healing process. I am not the same person that I was a year ago. When I talk about not being judgmental, I need to think about the underlining reasons for someone’s actions. I need to ask myself what have they gone through in their lives that have led them down their chosen paths. How can I be a voice of support instead of condemnation? Can my life story help someone else who feels they have no hope? That is where I am at in my life right now. It feels good to make it to this place finally. Thank you, Jesus!